(Ready for a little tongue-in-cheek article about bed bug eradication? We hope so!)
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, sitting before you is the defendant. They would have you think that bed bugs just moved in and they did nothing to help them. But I am here to prove to you that the defendant has created in their bedroom an environment that is just right for bed bugs to thrive. A little too perfect, you might say. By doing so, they are providing “comfort and aid” to the enemy. They have betrayed mankind by giving those little vampires a nice place to live.
Defendant, you stand accused of helping the enemy, one that lives on your blood. Here are the charges against you.
You’ve Given Them A Place To Sleep
Not only have you taken the enemy into your home, but you’ve given them a place to sleep! Sure, some of them have been enjoying sleeping on your couch, while others might spend their time in the comfort of a futon. In fact, bed bugs are the only ones who have ever enjoyed sleeping on a futon!
But even worse, you’ve given them the relief of your bed. They’re called “bed bugs”; where else did you think they’d end up? Every day they're enjoying the happiness of your bed, whether hiding in the seams of the mattress or in the crevices of your bed frame. And speaking of hiding them...
You’ve Given Them Shelter
Not only have you allowed the enemy a place to sleep, but you’ve also given them shelter! While someone of authority could come in and perform some emergency bed bug removal, the bed bugs aren’t even able to be found thanks to the fact that you’re sheltering them in your bed frame, dressers, and behind the wood molding. If you weren’t hiding them and giving them a place to be safe during the day, squishing them and vacuuming them up would be a breeze.
Luckily for the rest of humanity, we’ve developed an all-natural bed bug spray that can get into those nooks and crannies. But you’re not out of trouble yet, because...
You’ve Eradicated Their Enemies
Not only have you sheltered the bugs, but you’ve also eradicated the natural bed bug eradicators! We’re talking about what mother nature put in place to take care of bloodsuckers. When you find spiders in your bedroom and around your house, what have you done? You’ve squished them or put them outside, where they can’t do their patriotic duty of eating bed bugs...that’s right, these are patriotic spiders who bleed red, white, and blue! They protect their fellow Americans from getting bitten by bed bugs! And if you find ants in your house, which are another enemy of bed bugs, you’ve put down ant traps. Shouldn’t you have been putting down bed bug traps instead? Oh no, that wouldn’t work, because that would reduce their numbers. You want more bed bugs, don’t you?
You’ve Encourage Their Proliferation
We won’t sully the honor of the court by spending too long on this unfortunate subject, but the defendant has obviously given the bane known as bed bugs a place to <ahem> breed. The defendant has supplied his own bed for the unfortunate act. In fact, he’s provided such a comfortable place that the hematophagous pests numbers are larger than ever! Plus...
You’ve Kept Them Warm
Not only have you provided the bed bugs a place to live, protected them, and encouraged their multiplication, but you’ve also kept them warm! Bed bugs left outside in freezing temperatures will eventually die, but you’ve given them a warm place to live. Sure, you might say you keep the heater on just because you like to stay warm at night, but we know better. Of course, even if you turned off your heater and let the temperatures drop, they’d still stay warm, wouldn’t they? That’s because you authorize them to cuddle up with you in the sheets, and the warmth of your body is even a signal to them that it’s time for dinner. Oh yes, we know what you’ve been doing for the bed bugs. We know that...
You’re Giving Them Food
J'accuse! That’s right, I accused you of giving aid to the enemy by offering up your own body as a smorgasbord for them! You are the Golden Corral of bed bugs, and every night when you go to bed you are giving them what they need most to survive: blood! We all know that bed bugs are obligatory hematophagous, meaning that they must have blood to survive. Take that away and you’d be doing humanity a favor. But no, you provide them with a nightly meal so that they can continue their bloodthirsty vindictiveness across the country. That’s right...
You’ve Helped The Scourge Spread
Our fair country nearly eradicated the bed bug during the 20th century. We used bed bug killers that, while they weren’t always friendly to the environment (or human health), at least we had them on the brink of extinction. But now that they’re back, how much have you done to fight back? Have you purchased all-natural bed bug sprays? Have you put out your bed bug traps and do your part in their eradication? Have you sought out every bed bug treatment available to you? No!
What you’ve done is to take these bed bugs with you. When you go on a trip, you put your suitcase on the bed while you pack it, an open invitation for the bloodsuckers to hop on. Then you took them to hotels, where they spread to other fine, upstanding Americans...other Americans who didn’t aid the enemy, those who fought back and found natural bed bug repellents and insecticides. How dare you, sir, help those horrible creatures thrive and spread?
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury...
You have heard the evidence. This person has actively created a perfect environment in which bed bugs could live. There are 90 different species of bed bugs, but the defendant chose to help the only one that prefers human hosts. The defendant has betrayed humanity and instead chosen to let the bed bugs live when there are perfectly safe and effective bed bug killing sprays out there.
It’s obvious that this person has given aid and comfort to the dreaded bed bug, and we can only hope you’ll see the damage they have done to the cause. For America, you must convict!
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